she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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