Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I met the friendliest cop last night
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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