Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
