the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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