We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
