And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
