Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
