3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
