If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
