I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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