There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
