That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
