He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
