Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
