we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
