I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
