just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
