Dignity is for republicans.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
