I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm getting married
To pizza
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
