Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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