If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
