i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
