I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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