u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
