Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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