i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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