those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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