He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
