Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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