Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
