I want you more than these girls want KFC
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
