What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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