my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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