I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
