I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
