how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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