I was born with a shot glass in my hand
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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