I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
