thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
