the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
