Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
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