can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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