If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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