Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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