i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
