Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
