i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
