we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
