WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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