My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
