explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
