I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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