Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
