I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
