It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
